Posted by: gruvenreuven | December 15, 2011

The Chanukah Story (Sort of)

Tired of those Matisyahu Shaved his beard blog posts? Well, here’s something completely different……..

A friend a work gave me a Starbucks gift card enclosed in a Hallmark card with the below text. Typically I don’t use the words “Hallmark” and “ LOL humor” in the same sentence, but in this case I had to make an exception.

(front of card)
The Hanukkah Story (Sort of)
So there was this Mensch, Judah MacCabee (Who was a total badass). He was like a Hebrew Rambo. He Just hated King Antiochus who was a Royal Schmuck because he took away Judah’s temple and turned it into some sort of Goyim Strip Mall. (He couldn’t have at least turned it into a Chinese Restaurant?) Judah led an untrained army (most of them were accountants, doctors, and lawyers-Little know fact) to defeat the evil King. They were armed with nothing but their faith. (And probably a few rocks and sticks… Oh, and their mothers.) Judah kicked butt, and the temple belonged to the Jews again. After cleaning up the place and some tasteful redecorating by Judah’s wife (She took an interior-decorating class at the local JCC)-The Menorah was made ready for the temple’s dedication. And the Hebrew word for dedication is? You guessed it! Hanukkah

(Inside card)
But Oy! There was only enough oil to light the menorah for one day! Someone really dropped the ball on that one. Then something wonderful happened. The lights of the menorah burned for eight days and eight nights! This was way before smart phones, so people were easily impressed. It was a Miracle! Not as cool as “Parting-of-the-sea” but still not bad. And now we celebrate with grateful hearts every year by lighting a candle for each of the eight night and spinning a small clay block (and eating out weight in latkes)

Happy Hanukkah



  1. Love the Hanukkah story (sort of). I picked up the same card for a friend at Hallmark. We had a good laugh about it.

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